Tuesday, January 12, 2016

All I Have Is Me

This morning while on the train I used my idle time to scan my Facebook  page.  Normally there aren't that many new posts to view at 7 am but I was surprised to find a re-post of a video post by a man named  KHARI called "Wonderfully Made"  The video is a montage of photos of beautiful plus size women, set to a the background of KHARI's poetry. He uses some powerful words to describe what he feels for wemon and how we have allowed our self-esteem to suffer under the noses of those who think that we should look a certain way to be happy about ourselves.  Since, just the other night I was tripping over my weight loss, this video came right on time.  

I felt encouraged by his words of love for women, not because of what they look like but because of who they are.  His words made me want to cry. But now as I reflect on the images, I have to admit,, I felt uncomfortable,  Every image I saw represents me, I am that woman with the full lips and wide hips, stretch marks and round belly.  

This man is telling me to love the body I'm in with all its "flaws"?  The stretch marks and all? I don't hate myself, but there are the times when I find it difficult to  love myself as much as I should.  It's hard to love the fat when society says I shouldn't.  Dont get me wrong, I'm trying to love the skin I'm in, Sometimes the rebel in me says screw society, but the little girl in me wants to be accepted. Somewhere in my life the indoctrination ofthe idea that what I am, what I look like, fat... is nothing to be happy about, I should feel ashamed. And truthfully there are times when I do.

Now that I've lost the some of weight, you think I'd be content.  But I'm not.  It seems like I've become like everyone else, walking past the mirror thinking ugh!!.   Yes, I've lost weight but I'm not satisfied.  I don't like the saggy and  flabby skin that seems to have a mind of its own.  when I think of all the years I spent stuffing myself, I want to cry.  But what can I do, the past is gone and THIS is the only body I have.  Its all mine... FOR LIFE.  I may not always be happy about it, but I don't want to spend the time I have left complaining pinching, and pulling myself apart for not being fat-free.

For the past two years, I've been so consumed with reaching that numeric goal that I never considered that weight loss really has nothing to do with loving yourself.  Just because you have fat on your body does not mean you hate yourself or vice versa.  Yes we all have bad days when our esteem is in the toilet for some reason or other but we dont live in the that toilet, We live in the real world.where some days the sky just isnt all that blue, but at some point (sometimes with a little medication) it gets better.

I sometimes like to fancy that I could that woman who could embrace her fat, but theres always that little voice that says "not yet"  so until I reach that state of contentment (if there is such a place) Ill keep trying.  I certainly know it will be healthier in the long run, so really what have I got to lose.

So moving forward into 2016 I plan to show my stretch marks a little more love.  Im sure as I lose more weight Ill notice more of my little squiggly friends jiggling back at me.  But instead of complaining, im going to take the time to be gracious that im a lot healthier than I used to be and with time and little woo woo woo'ing I might convince the little girl in me that the only person that she needs to worry about accepting her is me.

Image result for cartoon characters little girls

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