Just one thing...

As im sitting watching my nephew sip soup  feeling the joy of being present for the small things.  Its been three days since his jaw surgery. He has been in extreme pain, feeling frustrated simply because he cannot eat. 

But today..hes having soup......potato soup purée.....the best soup in the world.....through a syringe.  He's smiling and soup is running down his chin. "Its good" he says.."its really good". 

Poor Little Fat Girl

I spent almost two years losing 100lbs and now I've gained 35lbs back

I am asking myself why?  Why after all the hard work have I let myself gain weight back?  I say "let myself" because I do realize it is all my doing.  It is all a result of not monitoring myself, being lazy (yes lazy!) not preparing meals taking for granted that the processed food and overeating would catch up to me.

Losing weight is such a mental game.

The entire time I was losing I would tell myself not to give up, and now three and a half years later, I'm still telling myself not to give up.  Sometimes it seems like a complex idea, all the pushing, and sacrifice to reach a goal, but really it's simple.  KEEP GOING.  Keep doing the things that made you successful at losing.  But sometimes you get tired...you want to get that old feeling back.  You know the one where you don't think about what you eating, you just unconsciously enjoy.  Sadly, that old feeling has consequences.  Next thing you know you can't fit the pants your wore a month ago and you don't like how you look in the mirror. You notice that double chin starting and the panic sets in.

But then you reason,  I did this before, I can do it again.

Tomorrow we get it together!

I'm here to tell you....getting it together takes a lot longer than you think.

The thing about weight re-gain is that if you don't keep trying that old mindset that you had before returns, slowly pushing your new habits into the background until everything you did to lose weight becomes what you used to do.  You scold yourself and feel guilty because you know if you just kept going, you wouldn't be here.  Now what?

Now we start over.  I know that plunging into it, being drastic doesn't work. I know that restrictive eating doesn't do anything but make you hungrier.  So the best thing I can do is take it slow, concentrating on one thing at a time. Slowly work into those good habits.

Every day is a try.
If I try every day, eventually the good habits will become my life again.

Eating what doesnt exist

Sometimes I get soo hungry.

So, I eat. But hours later I "feel" hungry again. 

Sometimes I talk myself out of it, but other times I stuff my face with comfort foods. I know it is impossible that I am actually hungry, but I continue to look for that ghost meal that will make me "feel" less hungry. A"meal" that makes me feel the contentment that being full brings. Even though I know it isn't real hunger,  I still want it.  

It's almost been three years since I started losing weight, and I'm still dealing with the same mindset I had when I weighed 340lbs.  Every day isn't always a fight but staying on track can be difficult to navigate when your mind tells you to do otherwise.  I know that over eating is a choice. I dont have to do it.  But that doesn't always stop me.

Overeating tends to make me feel numb to whatever is going on that makes me uneasy. Right now it's PMS, my emotions are swinging all over the place, I'm irritated at whatever. I'm already thinking of how to get my favorite comfort food and how good I will feel when I eat it.  And tomorrow....I will feel better, But then again...maybe I won't.  

The problem isn't the food, it's the power we give it. Food is for nutrition and survival.  But when attached to our emotions its becomes a dangerous outlet.

I used to think if I was consciously aware of everything I put in my mouth, I would make better choices, And in the past I did.  I used to record every single morsel, feeling bad when it wasn't within my caloric range,  But at some point, I realized that sometimes it's the conscious choices that we make under emotional distress that have the biggest impact.  And if you're just an emotional person, you have a harder time than most. I realize that I will always struggle with the thoughts that pass through my head.  But one day I may learn now to disconnect them from eating.  Until then..it goes on.

What I Know Now

At 330 lbs, I hated having conversations about my weight.  I would visit friends and relatives on pins and needles just waiting for the dreaded weight loss conversation. You know the one that goes something like:

My mother size 8: If I could just lose 20 lbs

Me (in my head with eye roll) I am not having this conversation, shut up!!

My dad, while eating ice cream: So how much weight have you lost?

Me (in my head with painful eye roll) OMG, LEAVE ME ALONE... shut-up!!

My brother while chugging a protein drink and lifting a 20 lbs weight:  You really need to get that weight off.

Me while sucking teeth, rolling eyes, and chicken necking: LEAVE ME ALONE!!

Well meaning family friend:  You know I love you,  but you really need to get that weight off,  Its not good for you, this is what I did.

Me (in my head, with a blank smile) FOR REAL.  My dad put you up to this right?.... I'll kill him!!! 

My uncle, who cherishes me:  Ain't nothing wrong with you girl...

Me (in my head with a smile) You've a little tipsy and maybe a little blind.  I love you but, have you seen my...

Then there is the at work conversation that goes something like:

Random size 10-12 women:  I ate like a pig this weekend

Me (in my head) while eating my lunch:  Seriously...

I cant tell you how many time I've walked away from conversations wanting to scream.  I felt hurt, confused, misunderstood and mostly that no one loved me for me.  I wanted to be left alone.  I felt like they were embarrassed by my obesity and wanted me to change so they wouldn't look bad. (So yep theres drama again)

But seriously, having conversations about weight usually led to hurt feelings and resentment.
Telling a person they need to lose weight is pointless. THEYKNOW THEY NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!  They haven't accepted it.

As I now look back on pictures of myself I remember knowing how big I was, I was conscious of it at with every movement.  But I had no idea what to do about it.  Telling myself I need to lose weight is the easy part. Losing the weight was much harder.  Being in my body, shuffling all that weight was my normal, I was used to it. As with most things, it is always easier to just keep doing what you know even if it is killing you.
Obesity is a physical acknowledgment of overeating, visible to everyone around you, inescapable.   If you keep going, you'll be on a CPAP machine and blood pressure medicine forever.  No matter how much your family loves you, they can't do it for you.  At some point you have to decide...you have to DO something.  But if you try to lose weight, you might fail again, or you might succeed.

On the other side of 330 I understand what my family saw.   I understand that they were concerned about my health and quality of life. Maybe, they didn't know how to address it and they did the best they could to help.  And for that I am grateful.  I wouldn't say that any of their words motivated me to lose the weight, but the fact that they cared enough to try means so much more now.  

Back then I didn't realize how bad I felt until I started feeling bettter.  Feeling good and having more energy trumps feeling bad any day. In order to keep that "good feeling", I'll have to keep the weight off. I have no idea how it'll get done, but im definitly willing to find out. 

Pretty please

Earlier today my sister (in law) said she needed to get her nails done.

She said she needed something to make her feel like a woman....

While I am totally familiar with the thought of not feeling quite as feminine as you could or should, I found it strange that she would say it.

Later on that day it dawned on me.  She didn't just need a manicure, she needed to feel pretty   She mentioned that when my brother used to always tell her she's pretty. And while she never took him seriously, it obviously made its impact on her.   In fact, it is one the many things I liked best about him. Sometimes when I was visiting we would be out somewhere shopping or hanging out, he would look at her and say to me " Isn't my wife pretty"? I don't know about most of you but I happen to be very partial to my sister in law, not only is she a good person, she is beautiful.  She may never understand how he really felt but I knew. In those moments I could see her through his eyes, I felt his love for her.  Even though he isn't here, his words are still in my mind.  I miss him and  I miss those things he said about her and to her.  I can only imagine how much she misses him saying them too.

My sister (in law) have always been friends.  We have a common thread, we are both "middle only girls" me of two boys, she of four.  While this may seem like an ideal position in a family of boys, it is not the utopia imagined. We may be daddy's girl (by default there's no competition) but neither of us grew up believing ourselves to be the pretty princess of the family. Never spoiled or coddled, we at times fought to show our brothers we deserved respect. We were called rough or tomboy, never pretty or princess.

But life has a way of making it up to you.  She married a man who loved her and believed her to be the prettiest woman in the world.

It my forty seven years it is not often that I have been told I'm pretty much less believe the mouth that it came from except dad (who could be partial) But a word said from the right person at the right time means so much more than when thrown casually around.  She had that once and now it's gone. My heart aches at the thought that he is no longer here to say the things that she needs to hear. So  now, my nephews and I  do what my brother no longer can.  We make her feel loved.

It's only human to want to be loved, appreciated and on occasion told that you are pretty (yes men too!) we all need to know that someone sees us in a way we don't see ourselves, we need admiration, confirmation and sometimes convincing that we, in our imperfect state, are indeed lovable. We need to be told that we are smart, sexy, intelligent, funny, pretty (handsome) and sometimes even beautiful.

The power of being told you are pretty is real.  Just as deep and meaningful as love.  Next time you have a chance, use your power. Give a girl a gift.  Tell her she's pretty.

All I Have Is Me

This morning while on the train I used my idle time to scan my Facebook  page.  Normally there aren't that many new posts to view at 7 am but I was surprised to find a re-post of a video post by a man named  KHARI called "Wonderfully Made"  The video is a montage of photos of beautiful plus size women, set to a the background of KHARI's poetry. He uses some powerful words to describe what he feels for wemon and how we have allowed our self-esteem to suffer under the noses of those who think that we should look a certain way to be happy about ourselves.  Since, just the other night I was tripping over my weight loss, this video came right on time.  

I felt encouraged by his words of love for women, not because of what they look like but because of who they are.  His words made me want to cry. But now as I reflect on the images, I have to admit,, I felt uncomfortable,  Every image I saw represents me, I am that woman with the full lips and wide hips, stretch marks and round belly.  

This man is telling me to love the body I'm in with all its "flaws"?  The stretch marks and all? I don't hate myself, but there are the times when I find it difficult to  love myself as much as I should.  It's hard to love the fat when society says I shouldn't.  Dont get me wrong, I'm trying to love the skin I'm in, Sometimes the rebel in me says screw society, but the little girl in me wants to be accepted. Somewhere in my life the indoctrination ofthe idea that what I am, what I look like, fat... is nothing to be happy about, I should feel ashamed. And truthfully there are times when I do.

Now that I've lost the some of weight, you think I'd be content.  But I'm not.  It seems like I've become like everyone else, walking past the mirror thinking ugh!!.   Yes, I've lost weight but I'm not satisfied.  I don't like the saggy and  flabby skin that seems to have a mind of its own.  when I think of all the years I spent stuffing myself, I want to cry.  But what can I do, the past is gone and THIS is the only body I have.  Its all mine... FOR LIFE.  I may not always be happy about it, but I don't want to spend the time I have left complaining pinching, and pulling myself apart for not being fat-free.

For the past two years, I've been so consumed with reaching that numeric goal that I never considered that weight loss really has nothing to do with loving yourself.  Just because you have fat on your body does not mean you hate yourself or vice versa.  Yes we all have bad days when our esteem is in the toilet for some reason or other but we dont live in the that toilet, We live in the real world.where some days the sky just isnt all that blue, but at some point (sometimes with a little medication) it gets better.

I sometimes like to fancy that I could that woman who could embrace her fat, but theres always that little voice that says "not yet"  so until I reach that state of contentment (if there is such a place) Ill keep trying.  I certainly know it will be healthier in the long run, so really what have I got to lose.

So moving forward into 2016 I plan to show my stretch marks a little more love.  Im sure as I lose more weight Ill notice more of my little squiggly friends jiggling back at me.  But instead of complaining, im going to take the time to be gracious that im a lot healthier than I used to be and with time and little woo woo woo'ing I might convince the little girl in me that the only person that she needs to worry about accepting her is me.