Panic Mode

If you knew me well, you'd know sometimes I'm little dramatic.  I’m just a little (ok a lot) emotional and tend to overreact.  Naturally this doesn't really help most situations, but since I keep most of it to myself, no one need experience the mental anguish I put myself through.

As you know I’m on a mission to lose weight.  While I have proved to be quite successful over the course of almost two years, I am currently stalling out.  I've been within five lbs. of my lowest weight for at least three months now.  When I started I thought in two years I thought that by now I would have lost half of my body weight.  As you can see, this has NOT happened.  (Getting emotional…) After my first year I did a reevaluation, I set some new smaller goals.  One of which was to reach 210 lbs. by my two year anniversary.  

As you can tell, another goal has not been reached (not for a lack of trying). 

I still have 20 lbs. to go. Since April 20th is three weeks away,  its NOT happening.

At times like this I feel defeated, like maybe I've done all I can do and come as far as I’m going to go.  I ask myself "Is this the END?" Not seeing the scale (or inches) move for months can really be devastating (overreacting).  But the thing is, I've been here before (like last year? duh) and yet, there is suddenly doubt; "maybe I’m doing something wrong".  I begin to question everything I know.  I surf the net religiously for the solutions even though I already know that only time will get me through this.  I cry and moan until I've convinced myself that stuffing my gut with food is the only thing that will help.  I stop at the dollar store or 7 eleven to buy my drug of choice (potato chips) and refuse to let just one chip do. This goes on for a few days intermittently until I CHOOSE to let it go. With a lot of self-talk I begin to accept that this is temporary, and as the stream of time, it too will pass. I begin to accept that my body is not used to this new weight and it needs to adjust  At some point I make the choice to keep moving forward, confident that I have what it takes to care of myself until. try to focus on my accomplishments.  I remember that tomorrow is new day fresh with no mistakes and that I don't have to do this perfect I just have to get it done.  I realize its OK to feel sorry for yourself and eat a bunch of crap, but at some point you have to pick yourself up and walk away from the pity party.

Almost two years ago I realized that what happens to me is entirely up to me. Which makes each plateau a defining moment.  What I do now, in this moment, defines what happens next. This doesn't have to be the end and  I don't have to give up. I don't have to remain overweight and only I can make that choice.  I'm sure I will plateau again, and I'll probably go into panic mode.  But eventually, (eventually) I'll talk myself off the ledge.  Each time it happens I will get stronger until one day Ill be happy to plateau at a normal weight.  Until then, the drama continues.