Panic Mode

If you knew me well, you'd know sometimes I'm little dramatic.  I’m just a little (ok a lot) emotional and tend to overreact.  Naturally this doesn't really help most situations, but since I keep most of it to myself, no one need experience the mental anguish I put myself through.

As you know I’m on a mission to lose weight.  While I have proved to be quite successful over the course of almost two years, I am currently stalling out.  I've been within five lbs. of my lowest weight for at least three months now.  When I started I thought in two years I thought that by now I would have lost half of my body weight.  As you can see, this has NOT happened.  (Getting emotional…) After my first year I did a reevaluation, I set some new smaller goals.  One of which was to reach 210 lbs. by my two year anniversary.  

As you can tell, another goal has not been reached (not for a lack of trying). 

I still have 20 lbs. to go. Since April 20th is three weeks away,  its NOT happening.

At times like this I feel defeated, like maybe I've done all I can do and come as far as I’m going to go.  I ask myself "Is this the END?" Not seeing the scale (or inches) move for months can really be devastating (overreacting).  But the thing is, I've been here before (like last year? duh) and yet, there is suddenly doubt; "maybe I’m doing something wrong".  I begin to question everything I know.  I surf the net religiously for the solutions even though I already know that only time will get me through this.  I cry and moan until I've convinced myself that stuffing my gut with food is the only thing that will help.  I stop at the dollar store or 7 eleven to buy my drug of choice (potato chips) and refuse to let just one chip do. This goes on for a few days intermittently until I CHOOSE to let it go. With a lot of self-talk I begin to accept that this is temporary, and as the stream of time, it too will pass. I begin to accept that my body is not used to this new weight and it needs to adjust  At some point I make the choice to keep moving forward, confident that I have what it takes to care of myself until. try to focus on my accomplishments.  I remember that tomorrow is new day fresh with no mistakes and that I don't have to do this perfect I just have to get it done.  I realize its OK to feel sorry for yourself and eat a bunch of crap, but at some point you have to pick yourself up and walk away from the pity party.

Almost two years ago I realized that what happens to me is entirely up to me. Which makes each plateau a defining moment.  What I do now, in this moment, defines what happens next. This doesn't have to be the end and  I don't have to give up. I don't have to remain overweight and only I can make that choice.  I'm sure I will plateau again, and I'll probably go into panic mode.  But eventually, (eventually) I'll talk myself off the ledge.  Each time it happens I will get stronger until one day Ill be happy to plateau at a normal weight.  Until then, the drama continues.  

The ride of your life....

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.  So tell me, which ones came to mind when you saw this picture?

Did you think, OMG! (That’s actually three words) or maybe like me you thought just one, "WOW"!

These are the pants I used to wear at almost 340 lbs. They are a Lane Bryant (7) or what I believe is single digit used to mask a real size 30. (Sizes 14 to 28 riiiiight!!)

I debated whether I should post this pic or not.  Losing weight is so personal; putting yourself out on the World Wide Web takes courage.  Knowing what you've accomplished is out there for the entire world to see makes you vulnerable.  Not just to opinions of others but to yourself. 

Anyone who wants to lose weight can relate to my feelings of inadequacy. Seriously, I don't think I'm anyone great. I still have about 70 lbs. to go before I reach my numeric goal and as you can see I'm still fat.  Posting a picture of me to let the world know where I was, tells people exactly where I am. Currently, I am 230 lbs. with plushy arms and legs, wide hips and a surplus of thighs that still hang on even after 100 lbs. loss. Good days, bad days, not giving up on me and fear of a regain and or failure is still very real, but the courage to continue is getting better. 

It's a strange feeling.  I know those pants are mine. I know I used to wear them. But, for some reason I can't believe that is where I was.  I have to admit I feel a little sorry for myself.  It took me a long time to really "see" the real me.  Now when I look back I understand why the people around me were worried.  But mostly I understand why even on my worst day, when the scale refuses to move... I should be proud.   Losing weight can be very difficult.  The process physically and mentally is a challenge. But the reality is I have and I still am meeting that challenge.

Yes it will be a journey.  Actually, it's more like a roller coaster ride.  There are ups and downs and twist and turns, and sometimes you will need a GPS to get you on back on track, but it’s a ride worth taking.  The hardest part is making up your mind to get on. 

To anyone who reads this, I sincerely hope you get on the ride, there will be times the handle bar will dig into your hip, you'll close your eyes and be frightened beyond belief, you'll scream and cry (mostly at your scale) and maybe you just wanna hurl. But in the end, it’s the best ride you'll every take. 

Reflections: Weight loss - 10 things you need to know.

April 20th will be two years that I have been attempting to lose weight.  Along the way I have done a lot of reading about health, exercise, food and stories of those who have successfully kept weight off. I wouldn't exactly classify myself as successful (pending reaching my goal and maintaining it) but there are a few things that I do feel that everyone who has tried, is going to or is currently losing weight will appreciate.


1.  You will always think about food.
You will eat it, you will buy it, you will weigh it,will prepare it, you will meditate on what you should have, shouldn't have, when to have it, when not to have it, regret having it or not having it, wonder if you had to much or if you had enough (get my drift) You will wonder whether a day will come when you wont think about it. Trust me, as long as you eat it, you will always think about it.

2.  The numbers mean everything but really they don't.
I weigh every single day!!

Yes I purposely drive myself mad on the regular. And after spending millions of hours obsessing about getting to a certain number, millions of seconds thinking that if only I weighed (insert magic number), watching a digital number go up or down many times throughout the day I realize that what seems to mean soo much in the moment really means nothing.

I read once that a scale is just a tool (like a hammer, no?) The scale is simply a tool to let you know where you are and if you are on track, and I "try" to use it as such. However, since accuracy is never 100% you can never trust it implicitly. One day you will smile at it because it let you know that all your hard work paid off.  The next it will betray you letting you know the high sodium snack along with your monthly bill will make you retain water like a buffalo. Twenty days later you'll be right back where you were twenty days ago frustrated and wanting to use other tools to beat it into a pulp (Hammer please stat!!) But if used properly (hint hint) it will teach you about your body and how it responds to what is eaten. It will help you stay you on track. As long as you know where you are you can map where to go.The scale can be your friend.

3.  It is never...ever..over
Don't get me wrong if you keep working at it, you will reach your goal, you will have the satisfaction that you are no longer categorically overweight, you will fit into those size whatever jeans and smile like a fool as you zip them up, but just know you will need to keep that up. I haven't reached my goal yet so more on this later.

4. Who you are is... well...who you are ...
I cant say this any plainer.  some of you realist wonder why it even needs to be said, but because of the weight loss dream sequence some of us have going on in our heads (me included) we idealize it and later become disenchanted when we realize that "XYZ is, isn't, has or hasn't happened because I'm fat". Life is what you make it, and sometime its just crappy. You are you with fat or without it.
It can be a defining moment when you get that reality check and finally accept that you have been hiding behind your weight, using it as an excuse for not doing what you want or possibly as a way to not face life. I'm not saying that everyone has this issue, but I have and I'm working on it.. Somewhere around the loss of the 100th lb I realized that my life was not going to be like the weight loss stories I read in magazines, Although I felt better about myself, nothing had magically changed, I didn't feel exceptionally confident, I still have self esteem issues, I am sometimes and may always be a mess.  Weight loss helps you feel better but it isn't a cure all. Granted you will smile more, you will feel lighter and you will be stronger, each lbs loss will be a step in another direction, but the essence of you, all of it good and bad will still be you.

5.  You may have flab
OK, so the chicken wings are real yall!! Lately I started to realize that the flab is most certainly real. I have flabby arms, boobs and thighs, There are stretch marks everywhere.  I'm 46 , Ive been overweight since high school so I don't even know what my body is like without excess weight.  I know the skin will shrink but the flab is guaranteed.  Somehow I have convinced myself that I can accept it, but lately the saggy thigh thing has got me just a little scared.

6.  People around you WILL change.
My parents used to tell me that if I lost weight I may lose some friends.Being my parents of course they are of mindset that as their daughter I'm the best looking of all my friends...and if I lost weight well.. heck  Id be a looker.  Frankly the thought of me losing my friends scared me,  (c'mon really...who wants to be better looking than ALL of their friends??)  Sadly, the thought of it stayed with me and as I have lost weight I half expected it to happen. Thankfully it hasn't, however what I have noticed is that people  give you those long sideways glances. Wondering what's different about you. Some people who started out supporting you no longer have positive things to say. They are uncomfortable with you and project their insecurities.  People who don't normally talk to you now suddenly feel the urge to talk to you, you're a weight loss celebrity (no paparazzi please) and some will start speaking less maybe ignoring you or when they do speak they seem a little different (you know they give that look, that vibe..) Then of course there is the weight loss groupies who feel the need to confess all the good and bad things eaten (like I'm a "food priestess") All in all the extra attention comes and goes and can be uncomfortable at times. Don't depend on it to make you feel good. Like everything else in life, it will pass.

7.  Losing weight is the best thing you can do for your health.
Since I've lost weight I have rid myself of a CPAP machine, high blood pressure medications, and various maladies associated with obesity.  By eating clean I learned how my body responds to food. I've discovered various food allergies that affect my overall health.  You can do yourself no better than to eat right and exercise and lose weight, Your body will thank you.

8. You must eat well.
A year into losing weight I finally decided to do some form of regular exercise.  I chose walking because it is free and I could do it anywhere. However I was under a misconception that once I started walking, get up my speed, Id burn a bazillion calories and the weight would start dropping.  I was wrong, In the past year, I logged over 900 miles and the weight loss was slower than the previous year,  I manipulated my intake I ate good, I ate bad, sometimes I ate nothing.  What I learned is that I felt my best when I ate well, I lost weight when I ate well.  Eating well ALONG with the regular exercise made me feel my best.  Both are necessary to good health.  For me, eating well is 80% of the weight loss equation.  I lost more weight just eating well than with exercise.  Which leads me to.....

9.  Exercise is necessary.
Exercise never comes easy to an obese person, but in order to keep the weight lost off, you will need to incorporate it into your life.  I never liked exercise until I started walking.  I love walking I love the feeling of freedom it brings. It is definitively for me but it may not your niche. I know Ill never be a gym rat so that's out for me.  I love the idea of being able to run but until recently I thought it impossible, However over the course of the past year, I've found myself WANTING to run, I've gotten my walking speed up and sometimes feel a run coming on. I actually feel like running.  I find myself jogging through the cross lights, through the metro, and to my car for no other reason than the fact that I feel like it and I somewhat can!! Imagine that, I'm doing something I once imagined to be impossible.  My point is, you may not like exercise, but there is something out there for you, go on, find your exercise niche,

10.  NOTHING happens unless you MAKE it.  DO SOMETHING!!
So many times I've read stories about people who have these AHA moments that led to weight loss, i.e. doctor says I'm gonna die, my kids, my husband etc is embarrassed, I'm unhappy, I cant fasten the seat belt, (yes the seat belt thing actually happened to me on a airplane and later a water ride in a amusement park, but I wasn't moved to do anything about it) I am happy to say I'm NOT one of those people.  Id read so many of those stories that just like them,  I "wanted" no... "waited" for an AHA moment, but it never came.  I wondered what was wrong with me,   In the meantime,... I DID NOTHING.  One day while randomly browsing Amazon I came across a book about a man who lost 100 lbs by counting calories, since Id never counted calories I thought hmm, a dude who counted calories??, might be interesting.  In the course of day I read his book, The things he said made a lot of sense so I decided right then and there to try counting calories, I thought what the heck, I might lose 10 lbs, and then Ill figure out what to do next. I followed his advice and then downloaded My Fitness Pal, I started counting calories and almost two years later I'm down 112 lbs. Long story short (too late) Please stop waiting for an AHA moment!! Losing weight doesn't always start with a plan, it starts with a try, and then,  you KEEP trying.  Each day will have challenges, but if you don't DO anything, NOTHING will happen. So DO something, you'll be surprise where it will get you.

I know this sounds like something you read before but its my truth, Weight loss is not a easy process but its worth it.

The Power of Loss

A year ago today, my brother died.

Saying I miss him is not enough to convey the depth of my feelings.

I miss his hugs
I miss the jokes we used to share
I miss watching him come into his home tired after a hard days work, being proud that my brother was a good man.
I miss the love he showed for his family
I miss the way he looked at his wife and and then would say "isnt my wife beautiful"
I miss his ability to diffuse me by making me laugh and his uncanny ability to embaress me in social situations
I miss those conversations we had on the rare occasions when we were alone.
I miss him treating me like he was my big brother even though he was the youngest

I miss his presence, I miss his smile and knowing he would always be there for me.

But today, he is not.

In the past year Ive learned that death can change people. 

It has a way of putting life into perspective.

It makes you see past all the nonsense and get to what really matters.

So often we get caught up in the petty nonsense and resentments of the past. We waste time being upset.  We get offened over something that seems so major at the time, we lose focus on whats really important.   But when someone you love dies, you learn all that really matters is the love you have for one another.  You learn that accepting people for who they are and loving them with all your heart can soothe the worst pain. 

What we do on a daily basis seems so insignificant, but to someone who knows they are loved it means everything. Tell people you love them, show it even more.

I make no promises...

Id love to be able write something every.single.day.

Things that are truly profound.

Things that would make any active mind ponder.

But in real life,  this just doesn't happen (at least not to me)

However, there are moments where my imagination takes over and things spill into my mind like jelly beans being poured into a bowl. Usually this happens when I am at work and should be focusing on the task in front of me. Sometimes if I am not particularly busy, Ill take a moment to write it down, but by the time I actually get a free moment to expand on it, my mind is tired, or I have lost direction, no longer sure of exactly where I wanted to go with a certain idea.  Sadly this is the plight of most writers.  We get wonderful, crazy ideas all the time. We read, watch people or hear conversations that no one else is listening to.  We see things in pictures that spark our minds and get our creative juices flowing.  But as soon we sit still to write it down, it stops. Like right now..I'm not really sure where I want to go with this.

OK so that's not true.

Despite my intentions, please know that there will be no truly profound thoughts here.  The only thing I plan to write is truth and opinions according to the world I live in.  There will be no political statements or rants about the price of rice somewhere else in the world, but occasionally, I will talk about something I hold dear to my heart, or something I read on Yahoo (cause that's where I get ALL my news) Sometimes I will rant, complain, or maybe just throw a question out into the cosmic winds of life to see what comes back.

PLEASE NOTE: I do not promise to write everyday. I will not promise to write things people will like, In fact I'm not even sure I will like what I write, but I will try to write often (hopefully with my grammar in check).  Just know that whatever I write will be truth, it will entertain you and maybe even uplift you. But mostly, it will be from my heart. Hopefully you'll enjoy it.

Smooches

Why Strawberries in Paris?

To say I was disappointed is an understatement.

Today's breakfast consisted of a banana, blackberries and strawberries.  

Good you say? What could possibly be disappointing about fruit?  

Not complaining (too late) but my banana was slightly brown. OK it was partially peeled open and full of brown spots, and well blackberries, they are tart in general, but strawberries..strawberries are supposed to be sweet. 

Red, Ripe, Juicy and SWEET.  

Earlier this year while wandering (possibly lost) on the streets of Paris, we stopped at a local market and brought a batch of strawberries.  

They were small, red, ripe, juicy, sweet-AWESOMENESS!! 

I kid you not, these were the absolute best strawberries I have ever had.  Obviously they would be the last.  Since returning home, I have not had any strawberries that tasted remotely like the ones in Paris. Not saying there aren't any out there, its just that I haven't found them. Each time I buy strawberries I expect, no,,,want them to taste like the ones in Paris, but it hasn't happened. Yet. 

That being said, there are moments in life that only happen once.  They bring you joy and contentment, you feel satisfied that in that moment life is good, life is sweet, life is what it should be. 

So in honor of that day I have named my new blog "Strawberries In Paris", cause really isn't that what life is all about.